procrastination is in full swing...

i am horrified that i have not written here since april! please forgive me. life (read my childs life full of activities - baseball games, swim meets) totally took over my late spring and summer. i am sure most of you reading this will be able to relate to that, however i still feel a bit embarrassed.

this is one of the "pits" in my life...starting and not following through. i am a terrible procrastinator for sure. try as i might, it is one big issue that i sincerely struggle with. my house is a wreck and has been for a very long time. one example of this is that i still have a table cloth on my dining room table that has not been changed because of all the stuff that has accumulated on top of it. big deal you say, so i haven't changed a table cloth? what i didn't tell you yet is that table cloth is a christmas table cloth, and it is now september, a mere 3 and a half months until christmas comes around again! so for 8 and a half months that table cloth has been there with cookbooks (among others), art supplies, baking pans, sewing supplies, and who knows what else piled on top! it is shameful i know. finding the energy and time to clear it all away has been a major challenge, because you have to actually be home to take care of those things.

it has been made even more challenging since the middle of june, when depression has dared to rear its ugly head in my direction again. i am not sleeping well, which in turn poses problems on its own. add in pessimistic thinking, and i'm pretty much out of sorts in all areas of my life. it has gotten progressively worse in the last 2 months. i just cannot seem to get a grip on it and it is very frustrating. i don't understand why this is happening again...the doctor says it probably is related to my hormones. i am at "that" age. unfortunately my 8 year old doesn't understand and why should he? afterall i don't totally understand why i am prone to this, but most of all i don't understand why i have to experience it again after all these years! talk about having the life sucked out of you! i just want to sleep to get away from the anxiety and the sad feelings.

on a better note however, one of the things i wanted to start working on back in april, was to start losing some weight. i have. since june 12th, i have lost 15 pounds! i have 35 pounds left to lose, but it has been relatively easy. all i have been doing is eating a total of 1200 calories a day. i am not dieting in a way that i have had to cut out anything. i count my calories, make good food choices, drink more water, and weigh myself every single day. i also have been writing it all down in a weightloss journal. day after tomorrow will be 12 weeks since i started...i was hoping to have lost at least 25 pounds by september 5th (my 50th birthday), but i am not going to beat myself up. i am so happy that i've dropped the 15 pounds i have. no giving up either...i know i need to add exercise to my days, and since what i am doing has definitely become habit, i think it is time to add another element. once i do i am sure the weight will come off much quicker. better sleep would help tremendously.

now to make a plan for my house...i am positive all of the "stuff" is weighing me down mentally, as well. i need a good plan of action. i see it all and it is very overwhelming...breaking it down into smaller, doable tasks would be the answer i know, but would you think me crazy if i told you i don't know how to break it down like that. i have had this innate ability my whole life to see the whole picture, which comes in very handy when you are doing things like building/decorating a house. not so handy though when you need to see the individual parts which need to be worked on. i keep telling myself to just start, but then comes the question to myself of where do i start? my procrastinating tendencies are in full swing...the answer may be that logging off this computer might help!

until next time...