starting right here and right now...

i want to find my truth...do you want to find your truth? i gotta start somewhere. we all do. i tell myself "just do it...start right here. right now." but i don't. i want to start clearing out the un-necessary and unhealthy from my life, and start doing the things i need to do and want to do. what exactly is the un-necessary and unhealthy? what are the things i need and want to do? for me it is as much mental as it is physical. it's financial, stop spending un-necessarily, and start paying off debt. it's unhealthy eating, stop eating anything that is not in it's original form. it's too much couch time, stop watching mind numbing television when i could be reading and learning with my son. it's not getting adequate rest, just getting in bed on time could do wonders for my mood. it's not exercising and telling myself i will do it tomorrow but then don't follow through, when i really need to lose some weight. it's too much stuff in my house weighing me down mentally, when i could just toss it or give it away to others who may need it more. it's having to deal with people who are not good for me, toxic negative people who make me feel bad. it's doing what everyone else thinks i should be doing, being practical is not all it's cracked up to be all the time. it's not spending enough time doing the things my little boy and i love to do together, making art and being free to do what comes creatively on the spur of the moment. it's letting time go by that can never be gotten back, nothing good was done with that time, usually procrastinated away with the television or computer. it's staying up so late at night that the next day i can't think straight, and don't have energy even to go for a walk after dinner. it's thinking there is more to life than i already have, when i am richer than i could ever imagine being, just by having those i love all of them healthy and happy. it's not having time for the simplest of things more often, more storybook teatime, and just plain being silly for the fun of it. it's believing what others think of me matters, when they probably aren't thinking of me at all. it's believing others are better than me, when we are all in the same boat. it's sacrificing my precious time to please those people, when they wouldn't do the same for me. it's taking all the blame when relationships change and the other person in the relationship lets me, when they are just as much to blame. it's not spending time with friends i cherish, because everyone is so busy...doing what? it's not spending enough quiet time with God, who made the ultimate sacrifice for me. it's not making sure to have time set aside for just my husband and i on a regular basis, even just to talk. it's not finishing anything i start, and being ashamed of myself for not finishing. it's not using my God given creativity to it's greatest potential, to use it for good, possibly helping in some way. it's all too much and it's like a merry go round that never stops. i have not even begun scratching the surface!

it is my aim, starting right here and right now, to rectify as many of these things as possible in the next year, starting today, April 26th, 2012.

what is going to be your truth a year from now? are you ready to do something about it?

a simple blog with a profound intention...

the format is simple. no photos. no ads. no flowery prose. simply truth and integrity to be what it will be. writer and readers are all the same, each of us searching for our own truth.

i know the name of this blog sounds very dark...it really isn't. i chose these words, because i want it to reflect honest and real thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences...experiences from my life journey...and hopefully answers to your questions.

it simply comes from the fact that i dream big (optimistic me), and the pit (pessimistic me) sucks me back into reality...what i feel is my reality, somewhere between optimistic and pessimistic.

the optimistic me is where i try to live most of the time. it is the brave me, where my dreams, creativity, and goals live, and how i am with other people...i am a great encourager and motivational influence to others. i am a loyal and trustworthy person. my faith, my family, and my friends are very important to me. my creativity feeds my soul.

the pessimistic me is the part i fight every single day...you know the part that can be so automatic, and assumes the worst, before hearing the whole story, or seeing the whole picture. i refuse to live here though. i sometimes call this "the black hole", because of my experiences with deep depression and panic attacks. i had a doctor tell me at the beginning of that horrible time in my life, that i would always have depression and panic attacks, and i would have to learn to live with it.

the reality was i left her office and never went back. i was desperate, and through much trial, and great effort, i found a therapist who believed exactly the opposite. she gave me hope, and eventually the tools to control the panic attacks. four years later through much hard work, the depression was under control.

i was on a journey through "the black hole" which lasted about ten years. i came out the other side a much stronger person, and with greater faith than i had ever known. faith in God, as well as faith in myself. my faith, and the knowledge that i alone control my attitude by what i think, helps me to keep my thoughts as positive as possible, which in turn determines how my days go.

it is my intention to be real in this space, so that anyone reading it will be able to relate to whatever i may be saying, especially if they are a having a similar experience.

i know how easy it is to feel totally alone and desperate for answers. please feel free to ask questions...i will give the answers, but can only answer from my experience. sometimes just hearing another persons story helps in tremendous ways...knowing there is someone to listen who actually hears and has been there can be comfort enough to get us on the path to getting help and eventually healing.

today i am happy and content to be the real me. the me i always knew was inside, but was afraid to show for fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough.

i invite you to take the journey of your life, dare to seek answers, and to get on the path to becoming the real you...the you, you want to be.

disclaimer...i am not a professional therapist. i am just an everyday person living my life to the best of my ability in the hopes that i may evoke in myself and those who read this blog a sense of contentment...a satisfaction of knowing we are all worth the effort of waking up everyday to find the truth we all yearn for...the truth of who we are and what we are meant to be in this big beautiful life we have been blessed with. life is hard, but life is what we choose to make it, be accountable for your choices and your life. it is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those around you.

find your truth and live it...